In conversation with Arline Malakian

International Artist, Fashion Photographer, Author, Creator

Catharine Fennell sits down with Arline Malakian to discuss women, aging and the importance of defining yourself. First in a three-part series.

Art: The Gaze. A Photographic tableaux. http://www.alavri6.com/arline
Book: Be a woman. Expressions of Life. http://www.be-awoman.com/

Listen to the full audio podcast.


CF: How do you define yourself (when it comes to aging)?
AM: I have discovered with time, the more of a friend I become with me, the free-er and more me I become. I am who I have created me to be. The aging helped! I call this maturity. I have a past but I am not my past. I have found the strength to find and define who I am.

CF: How old were you when you found your “backbone”?
AM: Let me tell you that I am not entirely there yet! I ask myself some key questions... What am I here for? What difference can I make in this world? These questions kept me on my own trail. In my work, I am in the foreground of what society defines to be modern or beautiful – part of making these trends and the futility of it. It is only things to play with- but we don’t have to take this on.

CF: Tell us about your craft, your recent photographic art exhibit: The Gaze
AM: The gaze is the celebration of the moment. The gaze is impregnated with our own experiences and individual connections in the moment. Connect, reflect and create.

Contact Arline: arline@total.net

Why Aging is Like Parenting

Cindy Ball, Principal
Smart Ass

During the past few weeks I’ve had a bit of a revelation; aging is a lot like parenting. I know all you young gals out there are thinking what the heck is she talking about? I’m 42 (not exactly old given 40 is the new 30 – right!) and my oldest daughter (I have three in total) is 9 years old. I’ve been parenting and, as luck would have it, aging for 10 years (including my pregnancy of course). I look back at the pictures when I was pregnant with # 1 and I looked so YOUNG. My aging definitely kicked into high gear after babies started popping out!

So back to my revelation. When you first become a parent you REALLY believe your parenting is shaping your child and that they’re perfectly behaved because of all your wonderful parenting. It’s the old nurture vs. nature argument. If you were blessed with an easy going first child you think you’re God’s gift to parenting. Then whamo, # 2 or 3 arrives, you do the same things and the outcome is different! It’s a bit like when you’re young with perfect, wrinkle free skin. You think it’s something you’re doing and then whamo, those wrinkles start to roll in and then one day you look down and instead of your hands typing on your laptop – your mother’s hands are tapping away!

I’m coming to believe that much of how we age and how our kids behave hinges on our genes. Of course, there are some basics on the aging side; don’t fry yourself in the sun, wear sunscreen, don’t smoke – we all know them. And on the parenting side; talk to your kids, feed them well, read to them, plug those nasty outlets with little white plastic things so the kids don’t fry themselves! Yes, there are things we can do as parents and as aging women to help things turn out okay BUT don’t be too hard on yourself sometimes it’s just the way it is! Accept it - temper tantrum throwing children, laugh lines, wrinkly hands – all of it.

The main reason I think parenting is like aging is because you should NEVER judge a parent with children older than yours or a woman with skin older than yours – NEVER! Parents-to-be need to learn this in pre-natal class. It’s as important as learning when to push. I remember when #1 was still a blob of a baby visiting with friends who had older children and thinking “I will never let my children eat French Fries, run around by themselves, stay up late” you fill in your own list of “nevers”. Fast forward a few years and my girls are doing all this and much worse. The same goes for being young and fresh faced. Please don’t criticize those aging blazers ahead of you. If they decide that microdermabrasion, lasers or injections is the path they need to follow, so be it. Please don’t judge them until you’ve walked a mile in their wrinkles!

So there you have it, my thoughts on parenting and aging – good luck on both fronts!

Cindy Ball and her business partner Alix Cameron own Smart Ass Lingerie. Between them they have five children and their fair share of wrinkles. Check out their fabulous lingerie at http://www.smartassgals.com/ .

Everyone Seems To Be Doing It

Posted by Sarah Fowles
Co-Founder, Family Friendly Media

Everyone seems to be doing it. Cosmetic surgery, I mean. It amazes me how many of my friends have ‘had work done’ and often people I thought would never succumb to this type of pressure. So I really started to analyze what is going on, rather than just say “Absolutely not me.” I thought perhaps if it could be them, it could be me. What I realized is that they really were not happy with the changes they saw in the mirror and they have the financial means to do something about it; so they did. I then started to realize that perhaps it could be me one day. What if I do wake up and all those fine lines and frown lines are no longer OK and I really don’t like how I look. Then what?

Well, I know I cannot have surgery. I just don’t have enough guts to be honest. So what about injecting products into my skin? I know for a fact that many people in my life would say that I am a prime candidate for injections. To quote a friend of mine, I am a forehead talker and as a result have the lines to show all the laughs and great conversations I have had. So could I inject poisons into my forehead and feel good about it? Well, right now I say no, but if the lines keep getting deeper and deeper, I may have to re-consider.

I feel that I am desperately seeking a solution. As more friends and peers have work done are they going to keep looking better and better and I am just going to keep looking older? What I wish existed was one place that informs you about great products and non-invasive treatments that help you age gracefully. I don’t mind having a few lines but I don’t want to look ancient. I would love to really take great care of my skin, look healthy and look great for my age. If anyone knows of this resource, I would love to hear about it. Or perhaps it is time to start one.

The Media: Beauty or Reality?

Do we really want to do away with all media portraying beautiful airbrushed women and the latest fashions that they dawn? How boring our lives would be if we didn’t have something to read in our fleeting moments of escapism where we enjoy flipping through a fashion magazine and admiring the images, the women, the big picture. Because that’s what women do. We don’t want to BE those women. We just enjoy the splendor and the beauty of it all. The aspirational, fantasy-like feeling that we enjoy when taking a moment for ourselves.

As women 40+ we are coming into our own. We are celebrating who we are and what we want and how we define ourselves. We are intellectual beings who make independent decisions and enjoy the comfort of having made it through those awkward 20’s and 30’s where it just hadn’t all come together …..YET. Well, here we are. What role does the media play for us now? What role do we want it to play? Should it censor and protect us or should it freely express and leave it up to us to interpret? As consumers, aren’t we smarter than many give us credit for?

Decisions

I looked in the mirror the other day and thought, “I look okay”. It was a nice feeling. I felt confident and I felt pretty. I stepped back and looked harder. It has been a few months since I visited Dr. Solish’s office and spontaneously decided to allow him to inject my face with fillers to gently soften the effects of aging. I had liked what he did immediately and I am still enjoying the benefits of that decision today. I can’t remember a time in my life when so many people have complimented my appearance. I am dressing the same, I have even put on a little weight, but still it seems people are inclined to comment on my looks. Positively! This is new. And it is wonderful.

It is funny how some choices in life seem so much more difficult then others. The choices we make for ourselves, from which we deem the most benefit, are the ones that give us the most trouble. It is hard to put ourselves, our own interests first. And of those choices, it is the ones that are most visible to those around us that haunt us even more, especially when it comes to cosmetic enhancement. For some reason, over the years, we have been conditioned to think that cosmetic procedures, whether surgical or not, are a reflection of vanity and self absorption. That if someone takes the time and spends the money (often an exaggerated amount) on themselves they are insecure, self centered and shallow.

With these accusations, we also hear how dangerous injectable cosmetics can be and of course that they are addictive. How could you possibly not get pulled into the cycle of refills once you have started the process, no matter how bad it looks? There always seems to be the assumption that the whole procedure will be a disaster. The media is not a friend of cosmetic enhancement for it is rare that you will see a positive article on someone’s experience; rather, they seem to take great pleasure in presenting the “disaster” scenarios. Headlines scream about facelifts gone wrong or breasts that are too large, very seldom does the media complement good work. Of the literally millions of women in America alone who have had some sort of cosmetic enhancement, we hear only of the few who have had issues or results that were unsatisfactory or somehow “flawed”. When will we see a story that reflects the experiences of 99 percent of those who have chosen to assist in their personal “graceful aging?” The positive stories.

My experience was terrific, from the start. The choice was mine and though I suffered from some fairly significant bruising initially, it disappeared quickly and the results were wonderful. Going into the experience with Define Yourself, I had no idea what to expect. I really did not think I would partake in ANY of the services available. I approached the project as a learning experience for myself. An education on what was out there, what procedures were available, should I ever, in my later years, decide it was an avenue of interest to me. I believe that education on any topic provides understanding and that understanding takes away at least some fear and allows one to make a more balanced decision. My decision startled even myself but it came from the heart. I wanted to see what it would be like, to soften my lines and to feel less drawn. I wanted a peak at the possibilities, and that’s what I got. I haven’t been disappointed. I am my own worst critic yet I have actually found myself thinking (on occasion), “I look pretty”, and yes, “I look younger”. It is a really neat feeling. I also feel pride in the fact that I was able to make the decision and that I am not embarrassed to tell people about it.

Cosmetic enhancement may not be for everyone but before making a decision either way, I suggest that any person even remotely interested should educate themselves and trust their instinct. Each person has a different comfort zone; each individual has a different goal. Only you will know what feels best for you, but giving yourself the chance to understand what is available, what is out there is a gift you should give yourself. What you decide, may surprise you.

Aging

This year I have turned 50. Yes, the BIG five oh. Everyone seems to have a comment. “You don’t look fifty!” “People over fifty shouldn’t wear a two piece.” Most often though, the question “what is it like to be…fifty?” “Do you feel older?”

Well, it’s not much different then being 49 years and 14 months really, it’s only a number. I feel much the same as I did at 45 and even at 40. Sure I have a few more aches and pains on rainy days. I feel a little stiff when I wake in the morning, but nothing a good healthy stretch doesn’t dissipate. I linger a little longer in a hot bath, just because. Additionally, I have learned to appreciate my body, to listen to it, to care for it and to relax within it. I am getting older yes, but how am I aging, that should be the question. I think they are two separate states of being.

Webster’s dictionary gives older and aging very similar definitions (OLDER: is having lived or existed for a comparatively long time, far advanced in years or life, AGING is the length of time during which a being or thing has existed).

I define them differently. OLDER is a term of measurement of our years (out of our control), AGING is how we carry our years (totally within our control).

By my definition, though I am “older”, I am “aging” well. I am physically active, running or working out on a regular basis. I look at the world with fresh eyes everyday. I laugh a lot and cry a little. I keep busy and try to stay healthy, taking care of my body inside (diet) and out (skin care, etc.).

As I have gotten older, I have learned that doing things for yourself does not mean you are selfish or self centered. It means that you understand the importance of ensuring you are healthy and happy in order to be able to be the best you can be to those, and for those, around you, including yourself. This has been a very long and hard lesson for me to learn (and I think it is so for many women) but it sure helps when making decisions on how we will care for ourselves and how we will manage the aging process. When it comes to taking care of your skin or deciding it is time to “do something,” it is necessary to have the confidence in your ability to make a good decision. It is important to feel in control of your body and of your choices, and to be able to exercise that control.

When I was recently at Dr. Solish’s office to have a consultation, I experienced an amazing sense of control of my own aging process when I agreed to have a procedure completed without consultation with anyone in my family. Even though my children had requested that I not do “anything”, I really felt I wanted to try. I wanted to see the change, to experience the effect and I wanted to do it FOR MYSELF. I wasn’t being self centered, I wasn’t being selfish, I was making a conscious choice that I wanted to represent myself and consciously participate in the aging process. The decision to go forward with the procedure was indeed very spontaneous. It was also very empowering. I laughed when I made it and I smile now when I think of it. I have always wanted to age gracefully, my decision that day, helped me to soften the graceful aging of my body.
Being fifty is just a number. Though through the dictionary definition I may be OLD, the decision to take control of my aging process is what has set this time in my life apart from the rest. It is a time of growth and confidence and delightful change. Going forward I will consciously work to slowly grow old with grace.