Canada vs the States: Cosmetic enhancements and vision of beauty and aging – the reactions

KaZ Brownlee
Creative Producer/Film and Television Consultant
Torfoot Inc.


So once I was having work done on my face for a while, I wanted to reflect on others saw me and how their reactions made me feel. First off, in Canada the emphasis on your age doesn't seem to be so crucial. I have never been asked my age by anyone in the biz and I work with fantastically talented and experienced women of all ages. Talent seems to win out more so than a size 2 body and a neatly pressed face.

I have become very proud of my fitness level and the shape I am in because I have worked tirelessly at obtaining it. OK, yes, I am a size 2 but I AM a little gal (5'4") and was always small. I only gained some weight after my later-in-life pregnancy and becoming more sedentary for a few years. I have gotten back into my working weight (I was a dancer, stunt woman, professional water skier and circus artist) and I am training clients now so I like to be a healthy example. However, I digress. 45, 46, 47, started to feel REALLY good to me and now at 49 I look in the mirror and think "You GO girl, the hard work has paid off".

I have become very comfortable in my skin and am not afraid to tell anyone who asks how old I am. Here's the rub...I was talking to a gal pal of mine in LA and the subject of age came up. I told her, 'Ya know, I am going to be 50 in January". And she said "Shut Up!" I said, "...no really, I am going to be 50". She said, "no, really, I mean you should shut up about it."

I guess the deer in headlights look I gave her said it all, so she explained - "When you look too good, you alienate people. They are insecure enough as it is so if you look too good, they just hate you." "Isn't that their problem?" I asked. Well, not if you are trying to work with them or get a project done, she told me.

So here's the dilemma, do I let myself go and not alienate these insecure, dysfunctional 'Hollywood' types or do I give them the one finger salute and carry on??? I think by now you can guess what my decision was. I wish I was a low maintenance gal but, alas, it was not meant to be. I have a friend who has had nary a thing done to her face and she can just slick some Vaseline on her lips, curl her eyelashes and step out into the world looking 30 at 56. Expletive deleted.

www.allthatkaz.com

Women lie about their age, but not the way you think!

According to a recent 'Lie About Your Age' contest and survey conducted by Define Yourself, over 50% of women surveyed admitted to lying about their age and 30% of those shared that they say they are 5-10 years older, not younger! These results were initially surprising but when we dug a little deeper we learned that women enjoyed the positive, disbelieving reaction from others. Ultimately it is not about the age but the feeling of looking good in other people's eyes.

In going into this survey we anticipated that we would learn much about women and the negative reasons why they felt pressured to lie about their age, but what came through loud and clear is that women are more liberated than ever before. As one woman proclaimed 'At age 34, I realized that I looked good for 34 but if I said I was 44, I would look amazing!". Crazy? No. Onto something? Maybe!

Can your looks prevent you from getting that promotion or close that deal?

Krizia from www.myBeautyMatch.com

It seems that when it comes to answering this question, women fall into two camps: 1) those who think that it’s all about what you have to bring (aka: your skills and your intelligence) and 2) those who think that their message can only go further if they present themselves in a certain way.

A lot of women still think that taking time for themselves to present themselves in the best light is vain.

Historically, vanity has never been a trait one aspires to. Who wants to be labeled as shallow, petty, weak, and self-centered? No one really wants to be perceived as being vain…at least no one wants to be vain and have others notice it.

But this begs the question: Are we not all a little vain? If we didn’t have the slightest penchant for vanity, we’d all throw our mirrors out the window because we’d have no use to admire ourselves in attempt to looking our best.

Truth be told, we do care about our appearances and we do care about how we are perceived by others. This resonates even louder as we age.

Now, I want to make sure that I’m clear here, I’m not talking about being or becoming a people-pleaser and I’m not saying that others should define who we are. Nah, what I’m saying is that the way we present ourselves has bearing on our own self-esteem but also on how others perceive us.

This is where the title of this post comes in. There are certain things that remain unsaid, but if you are in position that represents the company you work for or if you’re in a profession that requires you to negotiate, your appearance could help you make or break a deal.

Some of us are lucky enough to have a gene pool and/or a lifestyle that will take us well into our seventies with minimal medical interference. But for others, a little help from our cosmetic dermatologist or plastic surgeon might be required if we intend on looking a certain way as we age.

Today ageism is a bit more subtle. No one will tell you that you look tired all the time and that clients are not responding all that well to the image your project, instead, a younger colleague might start getting more clients or deals than you or perhaps you might not even be part of the list for that new coveted promotion.

I have an excellent example of a school teacher who had very strained relationships with her students (who feared her) and on parent nights, few parents really wanted to interact with her. This school teacher (who was in her mid 30s) had a strong frown muscle that made her look angry all the time. A friend of hers suggested Botox® and ever since, this school teacher’s relationships with her students, peers and parents of her students have changed radically.

Can the anti-aging industry become an industry of pure vanity that strives to attain an unreachable image of perfection and eternal youth? Is it possible to walk around with an exaggerated frozen expression because of too much Botox®? Can we go overboard with too many cosmetic procedures in too short of a time period? Yes, of course, and there are too many examples to remind of us of the flip side of the anti-aging industry.

The goal here is to find a middle ground — somewhere between obsessive pursuit of beauty myths and just not caring enough about one’s appearance. That’s where most of us would hope to be as we age…and it is not particularly a bad thing.

Let’s put it out there — vanity is not all that bad. After all, it’s an undisputable fact that we feel better when we look better. We might want to brush it off as being futile, but there seems to be something deeply ingrained — perhaps deeper than any social pattern – that makes us feel better about ourselves when we look our best.

Furthermore, we send some messages that are completely unrelated to beauty when we look our best. It tells others that we care about ourselves. It communicates a sense of respect for our health and well-being. It also demonstrates a level of respect for others that we take the time and effort necessary to look good prior to dealing with them. It shows the world that we take it, and ourselves, seriously.

© Copyright Beauty Match Network. All rights reserved.

Margaret from Season One Speaks with my Beauty Match

Be sure to tune in to this week’s podcast on mybeautymatch.com where Margaret discusses aging, being part of Define Yourself, the ways she maintains her youthful appearance, and her thoughts on the idea of “growing old gracefully”.

Listen to Margaret’s conversation on the Beauty Match Buzz Podcast and don’t miss Part One of the Define Yourself interviews.

my Beauty Match Interviews Robina from Season One

This week, Robina, one of the cast members of Define Yourself Season One, sits down for an interview with my Beauty Match to discuss aging, non-invasive rejuvenation treatments, her experience on Define Yourself, and her ultimate secret to aging well.

Listen to part one of Robina's interview on mybeautymatch.com and stay tuned for part two.

In conversation with Arline Malakian

International Artist, Fashion Photographer, Author, Creator

Catharine Fennell sits down with Arline Malakian to discuss women, aging and the importance of defining yourself. First in a three-part series.

Art: The Gaze. A Photographic tableaux. http://www.alavri6.com/arline
Book: Be a woman. Expressions of Life. http://www.be-awoman.com/

Listen to the full audio podcast.


CF: How do you define yourself (when it comes to aging)?
AM: I have discovered with time, the more of a friend I become with me, the free-er and more me I become. I am who I have created me to be. The aging helped! I call this maturity. I have a past but I am not my past. I have found the strength to find and define who I am.

CF: How old were you when you found your “backbone”?
AM: Let me tell you that I am not entirely there yet! I ask myself some key questions... What am I here for? What difference can I make in this world? These questions kept me on my own trail. In my work, I am in the foreground of what society defines to be modern or beautiful – part of making these trends and the futility of it. It is only things to play with- but we don’t have to take this on.

CF: Tell us about your craft, your recent photographic art exhibit: The Gaze
AM: The gaze is the celebration of the moment. The gaze is impregnated with our own experiences and individual connections in the moment. Connect, reflect and create.

Contact Arline: arline@total.net

The Media: Beauty or Reality?

Do we really want to do away with all media portraying beautiful airbrushed women and the latest fashions that they dawn? How boring our lives would be if we didn’t have something to read in our fleeting moments of escapism where we enjoy flipping through a fashion magazine and admiring the images, the women, the big picture. Because that’s what women do. We don’t want to BE those women. We just enjoy the splendor and the beauty of it all. The aspirational, fantasy-like feeling that we enjoy when taking a moment for ourselves.

As women 40+ we are coming into our own. We are celebrating who we are and what we want and how we define ourselves. We are intellectual beings who make independent decisions and enjoy the comfort of having made it through those awkward 20’s and 30’s where it just hadn’t all come together …..YET. Well, here we are. What role does the media play for us now? What role do we want it to play? Should it censor and protect us or should it freely express and leave it up to us to interpret? As consumers, aren’t we smarter than many give us credit for?

Aging

This year I have turned 50. Yes, the BIG five oh. Everyone seems to have a comment. “You don’t look fifty!” “People over fifty shouldn’t wear a two piece.” Most often though, the question “what is it like to be…fifty?” “Do you feel older?”

Well, it’s not much different then being 49 years and 14 months really, it’s only a number. I feel much the same as I did at 45 and even at 40. Sure I have a few more aches and pains on rainy days. I feel a little stiff when I wake in the morning, but nothing a good healthy stretch doesn’t dissipate. I linger a little longer in a hot bath, just because. Additionally, I have learned to appreciate my body, to listen to it, to care for it and to relax within it. I am getting older yes, but how am I aging, that should be the question. I think they are two separate states of being.

Webster’s dictionary gives older and aging very similar definitions (OLDER: is having lived or existed for a comparatively long time, far advanced in years or life, AGING is the length of time during which a being or thing has existed).

I define them differently. OLDER is a term of measurement of our years (out of our control), AGING is how we carry our years (totally within our control).

By my definition, though I am “older”, I am “aging” well. I am physically active, running or working out on a regular basis. I look at the world with fresh eyes everyday. I laugh a lot and cry a little. I keep busy and try to stay healthy, taking care of my body inside (diet) and out (skin care, etc.).

As I have gotten older, I have learned that doing things for yourself does not mean you are selfish or self centered. It means that you understand the importance of ensuring you are healthy and happy in order to be able to be the best you can be to those, and for those, around you, including yourself. This has been a very long and hard lesson for me to learn (and I think it is so for many women) but it sure helps when making decisions on how we will care for ourselves and how we will manage the aging process. When it comes to taking care of your skin or deciding it is time to “do something,” it is necessary to have the confidence in your ability to make a good decision. It is important to feel in control of your body and of your choices, and to be able to exercise that control.

When I was recently at Dr. Solish’s office to have a consultation, I experienced an amazing sense of control of my own aging process when I agreed to have a procedure completed without consultation with anyone in my family. Even though my children had requested that I not do “anything”, I really felt I wanted to try. I wanted to see the change, to experience the effect and I wanted to do it FOR MYSELF. I wasn’t being self centered, I wasn’t being selfish, I was making a conscious choice that I wanted to represent myself and consciously participate in the aging process. The decision to go forward with the procedure was indeed very spontaneous. It was also very empowering. I laughed when I made it and I smile now when I think of it. I have always wanted to age gracefully, my decision that day, helped me to soften the graceful aging of my body.
Being fifty is just a number. Though through the dictionary definition I may be OLD, the decision to take control of my aging process is what has set this time in my life apart from the rest. It is a time of growth and confidence and delightful change. Going forward I will consciously work to slowly grow old with grace.

Everything you always wanted to know - but were afraid to ask

Ok, so you’ve reached a certain age - 35,40,41,46 (as I’ve learned from your responses, it’s definitely different for every women…) and it’s inevitable that at some point you start paying more attention to ads that talk about “anti-wrinkle” or “covering your grey” or “improving your skin elasticity”.

I’d love to know what the silent agreement among advertisers is – at what age of the female demographic do they suddenly flick the switch from appealing to our youthful vanity to promoting aging “gracefully” or “hiding the signs of aging”? But it’s true, suddenly the “maybe I’m born with it or maybe I’m not” ads have less resonance, and the “noticeably reduces wrinkle” ads capture my attention (albeit briefly. . .)

So, I unabashedly admit I was really looking forward to seeing what happened in the newest defineyourself.ca webisode, because while I have yet to make up my own mind about whether or not I’d have “something done” I am definitely paying more attention these days to television & print ads that talk about the “benefits” of cosmetic enhancements – and it made me realize I don’t even know where I’d begin if I had made the decision

Part of the experience for the defineyourself.ca women was to meet with a highly qualified doctor to find out what happens in a consultation and discuss their options, which you’ll see in this weeks webisode.

If you’ve never considered any of the options out there, it can be overwhelming and intimidating - so a consultation with a reputable doctor is a must…and doing some research in advance is also an absolute must. One of the best sites I’ve come across (it’s a US site) is: www.newbeauty.com an online version of New Beauty Magazine that focuses on cosmetic enhancements – and answers all the questions you probably have been asking yourself - if you’ve considered having any procedure done, and gives you detailed information on products and the actual procedures and the differences and benefits of each.

A good Canadian site is www.restylane.ca, created by our sponsor Medicis. Besides in-depth information on their Restylane product, the Restylane.ca website also has a search tool for Canadian cosmetic physicians across the country.

A little knowledge goes a long way - and just like you research a vacation, or anything else important in your life, if you’re going to take the next step and address the aging you are seeing, you need to have all the tools in hand; research, a good doctor, and the knowledge that they are using the best products on the market.

We’ll meet Robina soon and hear more about her experience and what she decided after her consultation, stay tuned this week!

Meet Margaret - One of the defineyourself.ca women!

I had a chance this week to chat with Margaret, one of the engaging women you’ll meet in the first webisode.

Like all the women, she is self-assured, funny, open, and has her own perspective on aging that I think echos what many of us feel about aging, beauty and society.

I wanted to ask her what it’s been like to be a part of this process and what the reaction was from her friends and family when she told them she was be embarking on this journey. The interview is posted here, I would love to hear your comments and share with the rest of the community, so please be sure to send them in!

It’s swimsuit season…gulp!

It’s inevitable that as spring approaches we are inundated with “get your best body now” and “101 swimsuits to hide those flaws” coverage in television talk shows, magazines and newspapers. True, as a Canadian having lived or worked on both coasts, having weather warm enough to wear a swimsuit in, is fairly exciting. What always gets me is the messaging directed at women. There may be many of us who feel comfortable flaunting our post-baby/post- 20’s/post-surgery, bodies around at a cottage or resort in the summer, but for those that do not look forward to it with the same ease, it does not mean we live in abject fear of the occasion.A great friend of mine, in her mid 50’s will be the first to admit her shape and skin tone have definitely changed as she has aged, but she’s athletic, takes great care of herself (she’s training for a marathon this year) and sees no reason why she needs to run and hide herself in a basic black one-piece with a “skirt”. “My kids, who are in their 20’s are always a little taken aback when I unveil my new suit for the summer - I’m not comfortable in a bikini (but good for anyone at my age who is!) - but I like bright coloured, sexy swimwear, and I make no apologies for it! “The irony here of course is that as more and more women are taking care of themselves, exercising and eating right and are proud of how they look as they age, the sun is making it less and less of a good idea to flaunt it all. We may all end up in ‘adult-sized’ sun-safe one-piece suits (one of my favourite Canadian retailers, MEC - www.mec.ca currently makes great ones for infants and children) someday soon!

Au natural?

I recently noticed Janet Gretzky on the latest cover of Chatelaine, and all I can say is, ‘wow’. For a woman who is 46 with five kids, and an undoubtedly busy lifestyle (though I am sure she has help - nanny/cook etc.) she looks fantastic. I’m not sure about you, but now that we are all so well-versed in how magazine covers are manipulated using photoshop or even stand-ins on occasion (a celebrity’s face on someone else’s body) I’m a little more jaded. I’m not implying Janet Gretzky does not look that good in person, she’s always been a very attractive woman, but it’s a bit comforting to know that it likely took a cast of many (hair, makeup, wardrobe and perhaps a graphic designer back at the magazine office!) to get her looking that good.

Just think if we had that kind of help everytime we stepped out the front door….!

What’s your real age?

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point a few years ago I realized the age I was, based on my birthdate, was much older than the age I feel. Does this sound familiar? At some point you see yourself as a certain age, and you don’t imagine you’ve gotten any older. For me, I always feel about 28. That may sound a little young (close to a decade younger than my actual age) but that’s my “real” age – at least to me…

So when those constant life reminders give me a jolt back to reality (you walk by a group of younger men who, in your prime may have at least acknowledged your existence, and who now barely register your presence, or you realize now you are in the 35+ or 40+ or 55+ category when filling out a form) it’s common, at least for me, to do a “reality” check.

That reality check can manifest itself in a number of ways; you try on the jeans that correspond to your “real” age to reassure yourself you can still pull them off, you hit the Holt Renfrew beauty counters or the ones at the Bay and buy something that makes you feel really current (“White eyeshadow all over InStyle I’m buying it!”) or you plan a night out with your girlfriends, in the hippest part of town where you used to spend many nights before you got married, had two kids and thoughts of going downtown seemed like much more of an effort than it is worth.

The best of both worlds is when you can straddle both – embrace the age you are, and look and feel good having arrived at it. Until then, with each birthday, I continue to secretly celebrate my 28^th birthday…again